April 7, 2013

Hold me throughout the night
And kiss my forehead softly
Blot out this loneliness inside
Til I can see the morning light

Your arms are my protection
From the world outside my door
Your lips can kiss away my pain
And erase all that was before

But I am not defined by you
My spirit flies alone
Yet lands on your unwavering chest
When night does see me home

I do not love you, this I know
Nor do you feel for me
We lie beneath these blankets, close
Until summer sets us free

Can you tell that I am broken?
My heart is beaten down and bare
This memory of love won't leave
So I am forced to stare

Into this pair of sweet green eyes
That will help me bide my time
They look upon my body
But will never see inside.

March 24, 2013

Night time silence Reminds me of all our sad goodbyes In darkness, my heart can feel It is raw It is red And it's blood streaming down my face I lie in pain under a midnight sky Knowing you lie under the same moon tonight When did the silence intrude? When did your heart harden to the thought of me? When did we become like strangers walking briskly away in different strides? If I should fall under the midnight sky tonight, would you go down into the depths of this darkened soul to save me? Would you lose your life to save mine? Would you take these tears and shed them from your own eyes? Would you hear my words and listen to truth? Or seek out faults to expose them? When did we become such enemies And allow silence to rule our hearts When did you ever say goodbye and kiss my lips farewell?

Let Me Be

And let it be The future, solidified inside of me Come, dance upon this mountain top Look below and see from my perspective All this beauty, so pure and colorful This love that rushes on Is deeper than the sea And stronger than a raging current Why is it so hard for you to believe In the swirling and twirling miraculous bond Between ocean and shore? You strategically place garbage on the sand And alter the picture from above Dead animals come in with the tide Bloodied, from the ocean floor by human hand So now this blue will turn to red and white will go to black The picture dirties itself beyond all recollection And now as I gaze from up upon this mountain top I miss the bright and sunny days that cleared my sight to see The ocean passionately kissing its beloved shore It was true beauty back then When we both saw from the same lens Oh yes! Oh yes! It was pure beauty way back when…

False Sense of Security

when you're young
you hear about self-harm
and abuse
and eating disorders
these things that make you cringe
but they're far away
troubles for people you'll never meet
and you're told that if you ever do meet someone
struggling with these demons
all you have to do is tell
Tell Someone
and everything will be okay
they'll get the help you need
as long as you
Tell Someone
then you grow up
and you realize that you do know people with these afflictions
wrestling with these demons
you see scars on arms
you see too many bruises
you hear girls vomit in the bathroom
and who do you Tell?
who's around to make it all better?
when will those scars fade away
when you grow up you realize that people don't talk about these things
people don't just Tell Someone
even if it ends up being someone you do know
when you grow up you realize things don't get fixed very easily
but maybe that will change with more time
so you tell your own children that if they witness self harm
or abuse
or eating disorders
then they should Tell Someone
because maybe somewhere along the way
that Someone will do something and help those people
and make the world a better place

clarity

My vision has been cleared these past few days
I see the blemishes and shudder
I question why I walked upon this desolate, scarred ground for so long
There is no longer a magnetizing devotion pulling me toward what I once thought was my future
Instead, I see how much has changed

Or has it?

Was I simply blinded by my own desperate hopes that I dared not look upon the prideful and condescending gaze?
I suppose every one is changing now
We all want plastic faces and new haircuts
She wants to go by her middle name now
And he wants to stop wearing shoes
So what do I want?
With this clean slate in front of me, what do I desire?
Who will be the new me?
The person I won't recognize, but cling to nonetheless

I suppose I'll stop believing in God now
Start breathing in the new theories and become a philosopher
I'll lose sight of every friend I once had
Change my favorite color to some green color that paints some kind of organic food

But that's not who I am

And if I do those things, then I cannot claim to have clear vision.
I'll see only smoke
I'll be dead

So who are you now?
Who is this new person that I cannot recognize?
Who is this rigid structure of stone?
Will you answer?



I suppose you're just dead.

What They Told Me

She told me it was okay to cry
And so I did.
And she listened.
She listened to every crack in my voice that needed to be fixed
She listened to the quiver of my lip as all my fears erupted
And she listened to the heartbeat in my tears, bleeding down my cheeks
I never felt true peace until that moment
That moment where hugs and kisses absorbed me and made me feel alive again
Made me feel loved by someone
Made me feel that it was okay to cry

And he told me it was okay to make my own decisions
That I was an adult now
And that’s when I felt freedom
Because no one ever talks to me like that
No one ever bothers to look into my face
And see how much I’m hiding
Beneath smiles and laugh lines
But he did
He saw right through and heard a scream
While everyone else hear a faded whisper

I told them I could no longer handle the pressure
Pulsing through my bloodstream
I remember shaking and thinking I was
Breaking into shattered pieces right there on their floor

But then…

Then they told me I could stand
That I had strength and control over every situation and solution and conclusion in my life
That’s when I felt freedom
And that’s when I felt peace
And that’s when I discovered
It was okay to cry.

Lily

There was a child went forth every day
And all that he saw, he believed to be beautiful
Like the flowers that became a part of him as he picked lilies for the girl next door whose name was Lily
And she would giggle as he ran alongside her to fill jars of fireflies
Then the stars became a part of him as he sat up in bed, wishing upon one, wishing that his fireflies would live forever like the stars
And the grass became a part of him too as he kicked soccer balls and fell upon the ground, painting green smudge stains across his white uniform

That’s when soccer balls flew like the hands of the clock and turned into lacrosse balls

But still, everything was beautiful
Like the mountains that became a part of him as he climbed to the top of one and kissed the girl next door whose name was Lily
The wind became a part of him as it blew through his hair during thunderstorms
Then the deer became part of him as he shot one dead in the woods while hunting with his father
Its blood stained his brand new green cargo pants that day

That’s when lacrosse balls flew like the hands of the clock and turned into footballs

But many things were still beautiful
Especially the girl named Lily
Who became a part of him one night in the backseat of his car
And it was her wet-black mascara that stained his red shirt the next day
And he was confused
So he caught her one firefly and things were okay for a while
Until smoke also became a part of him once he tried his first drug

And that’s when footballs flew like the hands of the clock and turned into nothing

Because the boy got kicked off of his team
And things were no longer beautiful
Not even Lily
Because she wore too much eye liner
So darkness became a part of him after taking too many white pills

And his mind flew like the hands of the clock, falling into a dream
But he never woke up