False Sense of Security

when you're young
you hear about self-harm
and abuse
and eating disorders
these things that make you cringe
but they're far away
troubles for people you'll never meet
and you're told that if you ever do meet someone
struggling with these demons
all you have to do is tell
Tell Someone
and everything will be okay
they'll get the help you need
as long as you
Tell Someone
then you grow up
and you realize that you do know people with these afflictions
wrestling with these demons
you see scars on arms
you see too many bruises
you hear girls vomit in the bathroom
and who do you Tell?
who's around to make it all better?
when will those scars fade away
when you grow up you realize that people don't talk about these things
people don't just Tell Someone
even if it ends up being someone you do know
when you grow up you realize things don't get fixed very easily
but maybe that will change with more time
so you tell your own children that if they witness self harm
or abuse
or eating disorders
then they should Tell Someone
because maybe somewhere along the way
that Someone will do something and help those people
and make the world a better place

clarity

My vision has been cleared these past few days
I see the blemishes and shudder
I question why I walked upon this desolate, scarred ground for so long
There is no longer a magnetizing devotion pulling me toward what I once thought was my future
Instead, I see how much has changed

Or has it?

Was I simply blinded by my own desperate hopes that I dared not look upon the prideful and condescending gaze?
I suppose every one is changing now
We all want plastic faces and new haircuts
She wants to go by her middle name now
And he wants to stop wearing shoes
So what do I want?
With this clean slate in front of me, what do I desire?
Who will be the new me?
The person I won't recognize, but cling to nonetheless

I suppose I'll stop believing in God now
Start breathing in the new theories and become a philosopher
I'll lose sight of every friend I once had
Change my favorite color to some green color that paints some kind of organic food

But that's not who I am

And if I do those things, then I cannot claim to have clear vision.
I'll see only smoke
I'll be dead

So who are you now?
Who is this new person that I cannot recognize?
Who is this rigid structure of stone?
Will you answer?



I suppose you're just dead.

What They Told Me

She told me it was okay to cry
And so I did.
And she listened.
She listened to every crack in my voice that needed to be fixed
She listened to the quiver of my lip as all my fears erupted
And she listened to the heartbeat in my tears, bleeding down my cheeks
I never felt true peace until that moment
That moment where hugs and kisses absorbed me and made me feel alive again
Made me feel loved by someone
Made me feel that it was okay to cry

And he told me it was okay to make my own decisions
That I was an adult now
And that’s when I felt freedom
Because no one ever talks to me like that
No one ever bothers to look into my face
And see how much I’m hiding
Beneath smiles and laugh lines
But he did
He saw right through and heard a scream
While everyone else hear a faded whisper

I told them I could no longer handle the pressure
Pulsing through my bloodstream
I remember shaking and thinking I was
Breaking into shattered pieces right there on their floor

But then…

Then they told me I could stand
That I had strength and control over every situation and solution and conclusion in my life
That’s when I felt freedom
And that’s when I felt peace
And that’s when I discovered
It was okay to cry.

Lily

There was a child went forth every day
And all that he saw, he believed to be beautiful
Like the flowers that became a part of him as he picked lilies for the girl next door whose name was Lily
And she would giggle as he ran alongside her to fill jars of fireflies
Then the stars became a part of him as he sat up in bed, wishing upon one, wishing that his fireflies would live forever like the stars
And the grass became a part of him too as he kicked soccer balls and fell upon the ground, painting green smudge stains across his white uniform

That’s when soccer balls flew like the hands of the clock and turned into lacrosse balls

But still, everything was beautiful
Like the mountains that became a part of him as he climbed to the top of one and kissed the girl next door whose name was Lily
The wind became a part of him as it blew through his hair during thunderstorms
Then the deer became part of him as he shot one dead in the woods while hunting with his father
Its blood stained his brand new green cargo pants that day

That’s when lacrosse balls flew like the hands of the clock and turned into footballs

But many things were still beautiful
Especially the girl named Lily
Who became a part of him one night in the backseat of his car
And it was her wet-black mascara that stained his red shirt the next day
And he was confused
So he caught her one firefly and things were okay for a while
Until smoke also became a part of him once he tried his first drug

And that’s when footballs flew like the hands of the clock and turned into nothing

Because the boy got kicked off of his team
And things were no longer beautiful
Not even Lily
Because she wore too much eye liner
So darkness became a part of him after taking too many white pills

And his mind flew like the hands of the clock, falling into a dream
But he never woke up

Missing Puzzle Piece

it's been tough these past few years
without you there
without your care
and now i'm just remembering it all
everything you ever showed me
you taught me to be who i am
and told me why a laugh was so important
so vital

yeah, you once fit me like a puzzle piece
but now you seem afraid of me
and i just want to see that childhood joy once more
a reminder of what innocence was like,
those late night chats
giggling about boys and the pain associated with unrequited puppy loves
you stood by as life passed on
but somehow we lost each other in the haze of high school
we lost our ability to be honest
our ability to call each other up,
both paralyzed by the fear that if we ever do reunite, we'll realize just how much we've changed

even when we promised we would always stay the same.

Little Girl

Oh little girl,
Where did your smile run off to? What happened to the laughter in your eyes? What happened to us and our wild dreams?
Sometimes I wonder, if the stars died out, where would we look? Who would be your hero?
I think mine would still be you.
Yes, mine would still be you
But sometimes I wonder...

If next year you leave me far behind, Will your heart cringe from emptiness?
Or have you forgotten me so completely that the thought never crosses your mind?
I worry about you now. I worry about where your smile has gone. I worry that I have offended you and destroyed the childhood hero that you held onto so firmly.
I hope you're wise when you're out there on the road. And maybe you can look toward the new stars, that ones that will brightly light your way.
But, please...please find that smile. I would love to think I had nothing to do with this tragedy
But, little girl, sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes

Sometimes
I don't want to be the role model
The good girl
The one shaking hands and counting heads and
smiling
I don't want to be the one smiling.

Sometimes
I don't want to go to church
and pretend like I know scripture verses
I don't want to sell Jesus to everyone around me
and act as though I've got it all together

Sometimes
I don't want to be the person everyone stares at
The one who always has all the right answers
The one who cares so much about which letter ends up on a report card
The one who can't stand to be anything less than exceptional

Sometimes
I don't want to be the understanding girlfriend
The conservative Christian
The one who needs to uphold her reputation

Sometimes
I want to break curfew
Drive fast
Yell at people who hurt me
Refuse to write a term paper
Swear
Be the bad influence
Stay out late on Friday nights
I want to cry so hard that I start laughing

But all of these wants are just that
And I could never break away from my true self

Not even Sometimes