Sometimes

Sometimes
I don't want to be the role model
The good girl
The one shaking hands and counting heads and
smiling
I don't want to be the one smiling.

Sometimes
I don't want to go to church
and pretend like I know scripture verses
I don't want to sell Jesus to everyone around me
and act as though I've got it all together

Sometimes
I don't want to be the person everyone stares at
The one who always has all the right answers
The one who cares so much about which letter ends up on a report card
The one who can't stand to be anything less than exceptional

Sometimes
I don't want to be the understanding girlfriend
The conservative Christian
The one who needs to uphold her reputation

Sometimes
I want to break curfew
Drive fast
Yell at people who hurt me
Refuse to write a term paper
Swear
Be the bad influence
Stay out late on Friday nights
I want to cry so hard that I start laughing

But all of these wants are just that
And I could never break away from my true self

Not even Sometimes

Insides Out

I want to throw up
I want to gag myself
Get all my insides out so I can't feel them twist like this anymore
I
-am
---so
----pathetic.
Or maybe I'm too deep
Maybe I just think too much
Allowing this turmoil to seep throughout my bloodstream
Because I can feel my heart
Suffocating.

My questions sound pathetic to my own eardrums
So I answer myself to calm down

If I were shallow I could write off this worry and soul
I could blind myself by a reflection
So I wouldn't have to see what lies beneath this porcelain skin
Then I could breathe easy again

But I don't think I could leave my soul so quickly, even if I wanted to.
I am too entangled by these questions and regrets and old suggestions I once heard
Too entangled like intestines
twisting in and out around my core

But there's not much I can do
Because I hate my own vomit.

Walk on Water

Walk me across the water now
In the cool morning as I wade to see your face
Show me its reflection, in the rising, changing, waves
Reveal to me, your eyes and skin,
Remedies of healing that bleed so deep within
Let me touch your sandals now
To feel their grace swim through these lifeless veins
I am weak without you
I am sick without you
I am dead without you
Oh, Jesus
Walk with me across the lake
So I may find some faith
Oh, Jesus
I am not myself today
Where is my soul? Where is my Soul?
And why can I not walk upon this water?

Experience

My palms sweat
My eyes water
My cheeks redden
And somehow I can feel every eye
Every gaze
On me
Watching me breaking right in front of them
Watching me lose my composure
So I stare off
In a daze
Gazing at a girl
So simple and sweet
So soft and excited
So Innocent
She dances and smiles
As I stiffen and cry inside

Somewhere there was a line that I crossed
And lost that smile that she gives so freely
Somehow my heart’s gotten smaller
Because everyone is so much taller than I,
Staring me down as they stand so high

I’m still that child that ate Rice Krispies with you in the morning
I still like to tell stories and listen to the piano as I drift off to sleep
Twirling and twirling around in a tutu
I’ve grown with the leaves and part of me has died. but I’m still her
Older and older
I’m still me
I’ve just lost something, but I’ll find it again

Hot Shower

The hot water stings
But I let it engulf me
I let the steaming droplets embrace my
Bruised and battered skin
Washing away the grime that holds fast
To my being
The dirt that claims me as its own
Bleeding and broken skin
I am finally alone with my thoughts
And speak out loud through the misty vapor that surrounds me
Shouting out words I never believed before
No one can hear me
No one can see me
No one can stop me, seize me, break me, beat me
Anymore.
I am invincible in this fog that cleanses and moisturizes the raw scars
The Evaporating water hides me in its warmth and accepting embrace
Just as I am hugging my own self, clinging to my own being in an effort to recognize
who i used to be
beyond the mist
And when I dry myself I am free. I feel clean. I feel fresh and exfoliated.
I am Me.

Fraud

If only I could say what my heart is feeling
in the bitter cold night while I’m lying there, shivering
My lips keep quivering from the sobs that I cry
While the sun eats away the soft charcoal black sky
And I didn't sleep well last night or this morning
But I'm hiding those facts by a facial adornment
Smiles hide pain
A laugh conceals all
But inside,
Oh inside myself
I'm a fraud

Coke Bottle

He likes the taste you give him
And the bubbliness he feels
But once your fizz is gone
Where is he gonna throw you?
He’s waiting for that last sip
That fulfillment of sense
After that it’s all back-wash
The liquid of familiarity
He’s done with you when that day comes
And you’ll be bent
All used up
Never to be full again
Are you blind?
Why can’t you see behind the sweet voice?
The honey-soaked words he whispers in your ear
While your head’s on his chest
The empty promises build up your heart
But they’ll quickly change to curse words
You think he really cares?
C’mon. Use your brain
It’s the skin you show and the tongue you give
So take the warning when your heart is broken
And be careful

Sharp

Why can't you just be assertive!?
Scream
Shout
Get everything out
Feel the rage slip from your skin
As you let them have it
You make them take it all in
Let them HEAR YOU
But most importantly, let them listen
Force them, rather
Cause the ear can be passive
But the mouth is so active

Why can't you MOVE?!
Beat her mind with a sword
Blades sharpen in anger

Open Your Eyes

This is a continuation
A responsive message, if you will...
I love you
And you know that
But you forget it so fast that I wonder
Where to go
Let's state the facts
The truth is, we're not honest
I'll ask you how the summer swing is swaying
And you'll just nod your head and say,
"It's fine"
Or
"It's swingin' the same it was last year"
But I know...I know that's not true
Don't feel you're being picked on
I'm to blame too
Acting as if nothing's wrong
Like the grass is still green
And the skies are still blue
Didn't anyone ever tell you
Otherwise?

But it's deep inside green-envy eyes
Where every frustration and secret lies
I'm not the fool
And yet...neither are you.

.

I'm going to miss your ocean eyes
The way you look when you're surprised
I'll miss the talks we shared each night
Your loving voice that held me tight

But you'll still be there in the dark
When nightmares seize my aching heart
When sleep won't soothe my tired mind
I'll watch you as I hit rewind.

Rambles

You never shed a tear upon your life but as my soul does sail away, I'll see the glist'ning shadowed eye so wet with strife
That painful love of which you held for me
Oh please don't let it fade
Don't let it slip away.

Beaten

I thought this fight was over
What else is it you want?
The days are slowly dying
And I'm trying to hold on
'Cause my strength, it's draining out of me
My skin is bitter cold
My back is bleeding by the knife
That you dare not let go

You feed upon my broken soul
You've made me insecure
I see the glares, the smirks, your eyes
These sights, I can't endure
And yet I choose to face you now
Surrounded by your friends
To let you take what's left of me
And bash the bitter ends

My cheek is red and burning
But God's tears will heal it soon
My face is slowly turning
You may slap the other, too

'Cause you can hit me all you want
You may spit upon my face
But in the end, maybe you'll see

That all the shit
you do to me

Won't make you any stronger.

November's Prayer

The sight of a blank sheet of paper always soothes me, as if this whole new world is open before me and I have complete control over everything within.

The sun on this chilly, fall day warms my face as I look out on the lake, shimmering in the golden light. My brain can finally breathe and my heart can lift itself up from the darkened trenches of my soul that I am afraid of opening to the world.

Sometimes depression seeps through my body as if a sudden tidal wave of doubt, fear, guilt, frustration, and anger has poured over my whole body, forcing me to drown and forget myself. It is a very scary thing that occurs every so often.

Being outside, however, where only the sounds of nature tickle my eardrums, I can remind myself of God's true being. He loves me unconditionally. He does not judge, but holds me as I weep and rejoices as I laugh. God is in this world. This fallen, broken, dirty, plastic world. He is here right next to me, but it has been forever since I have physically felt him.

I wish to feel him again.

To feel those pulls on my heart, to feel that peace, that joy jumping and lingering in my soul.

But maybe God is this wind and maybe I feel him constantly. He is the world itself, leading me along under his protection, comfort, and strength.

So whom shall I fear?

I wish I could say no one, but that has never been the case. I fear my future. I fear the church. I fear my friends for many have betrayed me. I fear the rips and searing pains that will tear through my skin and into my heart in the months or years to come. I fear this ever too often depression and I fear the body of Fear itself.

So where can I meet God in this? Through prayer? What if I'm not focused? What if He's not listening? In the sun? I cannot look at the sun. I cannot even meet the eyes of The Son. Why am I here? Where am I to travel and will I be happy?

Please, dear God, grant me happiness.

I want to be the ideal, but I can't. Of course I can't. I know and accept this fact, yet I never try as hard as I can.

Help me to read You, to see You, to feel You.